The “Sit the fuck still!” Clients…

Crack, Marionettes and haircuts don’t mix..

Whilst having your haircut it’d be a terrific help if you just sat the fuck still. Turning your giddy head to look directly into my eyes is not advisable. To make myself plain, I am not able to cut a precise line if you’re doing your best impression of a marionette puppet on crack listening to electro house tunes . It’s common practice for clients talk to me by looking into the mirror you and I find ourselves in front of at this very moment!… Confusing as it may be we are both, in fact facing the same direction, I see you, you see me, this phenomena is known as a reflection. Amazing and true… Welcome.

The Neurotic “I’m the only woman on this earth that has birthed a child, and I’m going to make sure you know ALL about it” client..

A woman aged 35-50 dressed as Michelle Bridges or one of her contests on The Biggest Loser barges into the salon with her human trophy of fertility perched in a titanic sized jogging pram. Her life is now devoted to being a painfully neurotic mummy martyr. Her whole existence is consumed with her freshly baked legacy usually named something whimsical and pretentiously vomitus ie. Dandelion, Huxtaberger, Ajax or Arabica..

Mommy dearest: Oh!…umm.. Are you the lowly peasant honoured with cutting my anointed child today? What are your credentials exactly? Are you sure you’re even qualified!?…(SIGH) I must insist on interrogating you with every single strand of hair you touch or even contemplate looking at..

Hairdresser: Pardon me Madame,
You’re demonic spawn is hissing, writhing and screeching with such vigour a banshee would cover it’s bleeding ears.. If we continue on I’ll have to call in a young priest and an old priest.. If I may be so bold to suggest, do you think it best to reschedule, perhaps when Rosemary’s Baby is feeling a little less satanic?